I struggled to sleep last night, I lay in bed, staring at the gap of my curtains, a street light bouncing of my wall. My mind was racing with all ahead of me. Finding a place to live, sorting my career out, fixing the problems that i have created in my life. There is an empowerment in taking ownership of one’s own problems. To know that I’m in control of my own destiny. In saying that it’s terrifying. Where do i start? Which one of the seemingly insurmountable problems do I try and tackle first. The thing is, i know what i want out of life, Its simplicity. Its something, through mainly my own fault, that has been just out of reach most of my life. When I was a younger man, I wanted to be filthy rich, a rockstar, perform on stage for thousands of people, drive a fast car, be surrounded by hundreds of beautiful women. All of which would have left me with a lot of emptiness, a hollow existence. Now It’s the simple things I long for most, a sunday cooking breakfast with the woman i love, a bed to call my own, a way to pay the bills, a car that runs, nothing fancy, waking up beside that special someone. A garden to cook bbqs in and invite my friends and family around. That’s what life’s all about. And in my eyes, not too much to ask for. The ingredients are all there. All sitting on my shelf, ready to be cooked up. But just out of my reach.
I hope reading this doesn’t bring a sense of self pity to the reader, woe is me, I can’t handle life. Because this isn’t the case, this is not a cry of self pity and victimisation, More so an admittance, I admit that i am afraid, fearful of all ahead of me. Not afraid to fail but afraid of not being able to do. To do the things I need to do to get my life in order , sort my career, get my own place and sort out all of the inbetween