I often think, about normality. What is a “normal” level of doing something. I hate using the word normal, because what does it mean. But i find myself pondering about, where do i land on the scale compared to those around me. For examples how many times a day does one think about sex, how many times do people masturbate a week, what is a normal level of sex to have or want. Is it strange to want it as much as i do. My sex drive has been a cause of many problems for me in the past, its cause the end of relationships, to act out in compulsive ways to deal with the lack of it, turn to drugs and alcohol. I am aware i have a problem. But recently it’s become ever apparent. I’m sober and clean for nearly 100 days, life in recovery is far from dull, and as i embark on a journey of finding a romantic partner, im concerned my sex drive will always be too much for any partner. Will i leave them feeling that i only want one thing and that i don’t care about anything than the physical. Will they feel badgered and bundered by me. Am i destined for a life of struggle, and constant battling my inner urges, or will i be able to build a relationship in spite of my over active libido …
I struggled to sleep last night, I lay in bed, staring at the gap of my curtains, a street light bouncing of my wall. My mind was racing with all ahead of me. Finding a place to live, sorting my career out, fixing the problems that i have created in my life. There is an empowerment in taking ownership of one’s own problems. To know that I’m in control of my own destiny. In saying that it’s terrifying. Where do i start? Which one of the seemingly insurmountable problems do I try and tackle first. The thing is, i know what i want out of life, Its simplicity. Its something, through mainly my own fault, that has been just out of reach most of my life. When I was a younger man, I wanted to be filthy rich, a rockstar, perform on stage for thousands of people, drive a fast car, be surrounded by hundreds of beautiful women. All of which would have left me with a lot of emptiness, a hollow existence. Now It’s the simple things I long for most, a sunday cooking breakfast with the woman i love, a bed to call my own, a way to pay the bills, a car that runs, nothing fancy, waking up beside that special someone. A garden to cook bbqs in and invite my friends and family around. That’s what life’s all about. And in my eyes, not too much to ask for. The ingredients are all there. All sitting on my shelf, ready to be cooked up. But just out of my reach.
I hope reading this doesn’t bring a sense of self pity to the reader, woe is me, I can’t handle life. Because this isn’t the case, this is not a cry of self pity and victimisation, More so an admittance, I admit that i am afraid, fearful of all ahead of me. Not afraid to fail but afraid of not being able to do. To do the things I need to do to get my life in order , sort my career, get my own place and sort out all of the inbetween
To quote batman begins, “what do we do when we fall down? We get back up” I have fallen time and time again, most of the time i have gotten up, but yesterday I fell hard, it felt like i couldn’t get up, I was looking down the barrel of losing everything, and I broke. I cried and screamed for god, cursing him for not answering, but the truth is he is answering, answering in a way I can only realise this morning. He is telling me to continue on and keep pushing forward. It’s not going to be easy, and nothing in life that’s worth having is , my heart has a massive crack in it over life. But I can’t play the victim, things have happened in my life that shouldn’t have but that doesn’t mean they are going to define me, as much as i have let them in the past. I need to stand up tall and say i am strong, and unmovable in my convictions. Marching to the beat of my own drum and no one else’s. I’m tired and hungry, beaten down but i’m not out.
Life is hard, and who says it shouldn’t be. But it can be fun and full of magical moments, and that’s what I’m going to focus on, those little moments that give me a push , helping me know I’m on the right track. I want to look back on these moments and say they are the moments that changed me for the better.