This afternoon, an epiphany was born in my mind. I’m too dependent on those around me. I’ve come to realise its part of the abuse i went through as a child. I have no confidence to stand up for me or what i want and i bow to my baser instincts and the inner victim. And i need to stop it. I need to take a step back from those around me learn that i’m a big boy and to take charge of my own life. Don’t get me wrong, if i am truly in need of help, i know i can reach out to them but for now, its about being my own boss. The pain is still real, and even as i wake up this morning, my heart is heavy and weighed down with the uncertainties in my life. I try focus on the bigger picture. The end goal. Where i want to be in a few years time as opposed to things I’m missing out on right now
My heart’s still broken by it all, and there is a huge weight i must carry at the moment. In time i’m told it gets easier.. does the weight get less? Or do i get stronger at carrying? Will my baggage always be this big? I hope not. The hope of eventual romantic involvement with someone would be quite hindered, if the baggage didn’t shrink a little. I have goals and desires, mainly for simple things a home and job that excites me and someone to share my life with. After that I don’t need much more. The simple things are the things that count, it’s currently what I’m striving for.
Today was a slip in the pursuit of my dreams. Tiredness and needness got the better of me and i upset someone very important to me, pushing them away, building the wall between us higher and thicker. Im looking backwards and hoping for it to go back to the way it was. But right now that cannot be, and though my heart is broken and continuing to break further, shattering into smaller and smaller pieces. I only hope one day these walls i have created can be broken and we can reunite. Until then i must wait and be patient and learn to take a step back.