One of the hardest things for me, is knowing what I lost through my journey. I have gained, I have grown, I have overcome one of the hardest things a human can go through, Im told. But with all that , I’m still left hurting over what I’ve lost. I’ve lost my innocence, my confidence, years of my life, my strength, but nothing compares to the connections my illness has taken from me.
The most valuable thing in the world to me is connection with those around me. Friends, family, partners. And i feel they are all tarnished. Those around me, misunderstand causes of my pain and anger, blame gets thrown around and those dearest to me get hurt by me. But blame each other. I’m stuck in a cycle of prayer and hope that everything can be reconciled and that I’ll have a happy ending but some days that hope and prayer is weaker than others. I’m caught between two frequently used statements, that have me torn, “time heals all wounds” and “time waits for no man”. I’m trying to be patient and focus on the bigger picture, the end goal. But days when i’m reminded of open wounds and scarred tissue, I feel the resentment of misunderstanding block my path. If I had one wish it would be that everyone effected by me and my behaviour could sit down, listen, understand that no one else was to blame, hug, forgive, forget and move forward, together happy. Until that day, I walk the beach , looking for a lamp to rub, hoping for a genie9