This afternoon, an epiphany was born in my mind. I’m too dependent on those around me. I’ve come to realise its part of the abuse i went through as a child. I have no confidence to stand up for me or what i want and i bow to my baser instincts and the inner victim. And i need to stop it. I need to take a step back from those around me learn that i’m a big boy and to take charge of my own life. Don’t get me wrong, if i am truly in need of help, i know i can reach out to them but for now, its about being my own boss. The pain is still real, and even as i wake up this morning, my heart is heavy and weighed down with the uncertainties in my life. I try focus on the bigger picture. The end goal. Where i want to be in a few years time as opposed to things I’m missing out on right now
My heart’s still broken by it all, and there is a huge weight i must carry at the moment. In time i’m told it gets easier.. does the weight get less? Or do i get stronger at carrying? Will my baggage always be this big? I hope not. The hope of eventual romantic involvement with someone would be quite hindered, if the baggage didn’t shrink a little. I have goals and desires, mainly for simple things a home and job that excites me and someone to share my life with. After that I don’t need much more. The simple things are the things that count, it’s currently what I’m striving for.
Today was a slip in the pursuit of my dreams. Tiredness and needness got the better of me and i upset someone very important to me, pushing them away, building the wall between us higher and thicker. Im looking backwards and hoping for it to go back to the way it was. But right now that cannot be, and though my heart is broken and continuing to break further, shattering into smaller and smaller pieces. I only hope one day these walls i have created can be broken and we can reunite. Until then i must wait and be patient and learn to take a step back.
Punishment keeps coming my way, a test to see how far i can go before I fall off the wagon. With no ease , i travel forward. A bottle staring at me, unopened. For a brief moment, i felt that I was coming out the end of it, but alas this life has yet another challenge ahead. Still sober, but struggling. Waiting more so than ever to pick up that bottle, or rolled up note. Sleepless nights haunt my soul, this pain so very real. When will it stop? When will i wake up and be me. The more i strive to reach for what i want, the more my heart aches.
The lord’s name called out but in vain, for I have done nothing to deserve his help. I have wasted and squandered, these talents of mine, running from my past, in hopes that it will one day magically work out. The truth far worse than that, there is no other way but to take this hurt and move forward. I walk a thin line of pain, sobriety, life and death, forever stuck in this merry go round.
I use to look forward to Sundays so much. My favoutite day of the week, but now they fill me with a sick feeling deep in my stomach. My mind wishing and willing, for things to go back to how they were. I sit and wait, and write my thoughts, listening for the voice from above. He spoke to me once this week already, and he is a busy man. My progress feels like a long walk on the beach. So many steps taken,but looking back on my travels,the waters of my mind have washed away those footprints. Waiting to for the fog to lift, destination then visible. I know my path is the right one, but a view would be nice encouragement.
One of the hardest things for me, is knowing what I lost through my journey. I have gained, I have grown, I have overcome one of the hardest things a human can go through, Im told. But with all that , I’m still left hurting over what I’ve lost. I’ve lost my innocence, my confidence, years of my life, my strength, but nothing compares to the connections my illness has taken from me.
The most valuable thing in the world to me is connection with those around me. Friends, family, partners. And i feel they are all tarnished. Those around me, misunderstand causes of my pain and anger, blame gets thrown around and those dearest to me get hurt by me. But blame each other. I’m stuck in a cycle of prayer and hope that everything can be reconciled and that I’ll have a happy ending but some days that hope and prayer is weaker than others. I’m caught between two frequently used statements, that have me torn, “time heals all wounds” and “time waits for no man”. I’m trying to be patient and focus on the bigger picture, the end goal. But days when i’m reminded of open wounds and scarred tissue, I feel the resentment of misunderstanding block my path. If I had one wish it would be that everyone effected by me and my behaviour could sit down, listen, understand that no one else was to blame, hug, forgive, forget and move forward, together happy. Until that day, I walk the beach , looking for a lamp to rub, hoping for a genie9
I havent posted in a while im currently, working on a big project that been taking my attention away. But reading through some of my unposted material I stumbled across a passage. My heart is broken by life and what has happened around me, I only have myself to blame. But I keep the faith, that one day things will work out the way I hope for.
Im reminded of the following as I pick up the pieces and move forward….
Blame is such a powerful thing. It destroys, and leaves nothing in it wake. This monring, i reminded of all i have lost through this journey. And of those around me, blaming each other for actions I took. Unwilling to understand or compromise. Unwilling to listen as I stand and take ownership. My heart breaks as I learn to carry a new pain, one that weighs heavy, knowing I may lose that I hold dear. Two sides battle fight for the same thing, unaware of their similarities, unwilling to change. Let go, I cant. Instead I squat down, dig deep and carry this hurt with me. Knowing I get strong with each step I take.
This morning my faith is bruised and battered,but not broken. The life I want, just out of my reach. Pushing me forward as I cross this tight roped called life. One end , the life of my past, filled with pain and sorrow. The other end, the life I dream of, the life I know i deserve and can achieve. I remind myself that a lost footing doesnt mean I will fall, and a step backwards doesnt mean Im going back to the life I left. I just need to rebalance and step forward, slowly, patiently, guided by hope