Entitlement

Tonight is my last night, my last night before i check in to the place i hope will give me a new life, free from the pain and hurt that has plagued my existence for more than half my life. Instead of embracing what is something hugely positive and life changing, I decided to rebel one last time. Its that need to connect with a woman, that need to be worshipped as a god, validation I obtain from knowing i did a good job, I satisfied my partner in our horizontal waltz. Tonight was all about me and my “needs” , my desires, my wants. What should have been an embracement of health and well being , was an exercise is hedonism and self gratification.

My main issue is with sex, the constant need for it, using it to validate myself as a man, the escapism, and exploration of fetishes. What should be a healthy act between two consenting adults has a much darker , sinister and more damaging part in my life. What accompanies this is alcohol and substance abuse, my love of drink and drugs has brought me down a very serious rabbit hole and it is time those problems are addressed. But not tonight , tonight i partook is all if the vices i could get my hands on. Booze, cider and hard liquor, weed and cocaine. All the bittersweet coping mechanisms i have relied on before.

My night started out at a bbq with my closest friends and their partners , something I struggle with due to my recent break up and addiction to the flesh. I consumed way too much alcohol as we relived our youth, playing beer pong and other drink games, followed by joints and games of cards as we talked about my upcoming journey of self rediscovery. Then i met a woman who was friends with one of the partners there for the night, and my night took a turn for the worse. At about 1am when everyone seemed to be quietening down and make moves to go home, i did what is commonly known as an “irish goodbye” leaving my friends without a word as the two of us left for her apartment. What transpired next was two grams of cocaine , rum, cigarettes , nudity and the inability to achieve an erection, something that has never happened to me before. I dont know of it was the cocaine, the rum , or the psychological damage done by watching hours of hard-core pornography that caused it, im going to say it was the coke. Tonight I felt entitled to act the way I did, as if the ask and want for help gave me a hall pass to run a muck and go hard. But all it has done is left me high, anxious and very embarrassed at my soft cock.

Where does this entitlement come from and how dare I have it. I’ve had it every since i was abused, telling myself going through pain like that allows me, entitles me to this life I have created, one of hedonism, over indulgence, self destruction. How can i get past that, and let go of this feeling of “i deserve……i have suffered enough already”. Set me free of those past thoughts and learnt patterns as i embark on this new chapter in my life , one where i understand that no one is entitled to anything and life requires hard work and persistence

Almost time

On this, the penultimate night before I step on a plane, bringing me to a rehabilitation centre thousands of kilometres away from my own bed, i have a lot of thoughts rattling around in my head. The first is the upsetting feeling of i can’t believe my life has gotten to this point. I have truly hit rock bottom. And although “ the only way is up” phrase has been thrown at me by everyone in around me, typically followed by “ I’m so proud of you” and “you’re so strong and brave” it doesn’t alleviate my fears or apprehensions, its nice to know there is support around me.

The second thing running through me is fear, fear of the unknown. Fear of change, no matter how positive it will be, im still so scared of what is to come. Stripping layers back and breaking down all that has been there until now is going to be hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There is the fear of facing my demons, and having to process years of sex abuse, and the effects it’s had on my mind. The subsequent journey through religious confusion and involvement in a cult, followed by substance and alcohol abuse and why i use it as a coping mechanism. And then finally my fear of being alone and abandonment .

The third thing haunting my consciousness, is being alone. Alone in a foreign country, unable to rely on others. My reliance on relationships, and sex. That is the biggest problem in my life, my destructive relationship with love and sex, i am surrounded by love in my life, my friends and family have done nothing but showered me with love and adoration, they tell me how proud they are of me everyday and how much i mean to them. They go out of their way to make my life easier and show me how important i am to them.

The kicker is without any romantic love, in my life, without the physical expression of that, or without physical contact from a woman, i feel none of the above platonic love. It leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled. Void of anything but sadness and pain. I’m still trying to understand why I can’t accept this love that I am bombarded with daily. Something that i am grateful for everyday, although i don’t understand why they feel that way. My mind runs rampant with negativity, disproving thoughts and unjustified beliefs that I’m not worthy of any of this. And until i can learn to love myself i won’t be able to receive love from others

Stubbornness

I hate how stubborn i can’t be, it stops me from reaching out in times of need, or when i miss people, from saying sorry and from even forgiving, others and myself. I want to pick up the phone and make that call, or go visit that friend i miss, make amends for the wrongs I’ve done. Instead I sit and struggle to swallow my pride and give in to those feelings, I just fester and suffer. I can’t explain why I would rather live with the broken piece of my heart than try and mend it. I think its fear, fear of the worst possible outcome. The rejection, the finality of what “no” would bring, and how much worse that would make me feel. My mind convinces me of what others are thinking, and how much better they are doing now that I’m not in their lives. No matter how much evidence I have to point to the contrary, or what others around me tell me. Once i have an idea in my head, a thought, a want, a desire , an image of how things are, or how i want them to be, nothing can sway me. All it does in the long run is bring me pain and hurt, as i sit tears running down my face , knowing i can never have what i want.

I had a lot of time to think about it lately, my life has become one of massive inward thinking and personal analysis, and I’ve come to realise, I have no faith, not just in religion or spirituality but in the world around me. I’m so overly sceptical that i find it impossible to picture a different life than the one i have now, something better than just endless hurt and suffering. My only wish would be to know the destination to my current journey, where will i be in a year, two years, five years , ten years? I haven’t got a clue, I’m stumped. I just want to be shown a path. To know the joy and happiness, and love are waiting for me at the end of the road. The irony is if i could just trust that those things will come, they will. And more ironic is even if i was to be shown what i ask for , night after night, by a divine power, I wouldn’t believe it was the divine truth no matter how much proof the deity provided.

Don’t be like me, find that faith , let go of the pride, and make that call, send that message, hold on to hope.

The morning after the night before

I’ve been writing a lot of paragraphs and not posting them lately. I have a tendency to get caught up in head, swallowed by my insecurities. At times I just write overly poetic nonsense, trying to make myself feel smarter than i am, and boost my ego a little, to no avail. Other times I’m pouring my heart out on the digital pages , longing for some miracle to unveil itself before my eyes. The majority of time it’s all typed through tears.

Happiness and peace is obtained from within, but my strives usually bring me down the wrong path. A quiet midweek break out of my city , across the other side of the country, still found me, neck deep in my old habits. A wonderful mix of alcohol, cocaine, and painkillers , and secretly watching pornography as I mourned the loss of my relationship, and the resulting loss of a ready made family. Worst of all it was all my doing. I chose to walk away , and abandon them like so many before, as the truth of dark twisted inner thoughts rear their ugly head. I miss her so much it hurts, a pain that furthers my self medicating attempts at numbing. Why am I like this, and how can i stop? It’s impossible to undo the past no matter how much I scream at the gods in the dead of the night. I just urine for the strength to put an end to my self destruction. To break the cycle and become more than i am now.