Tonight is my last night, my last night before i check in to the place i hope will give me a new life, free from the pain and hurt that has plagued my existence for more than half my life. Instead of embracing what is something hugely positive and life changing, I decided to rebel one last time. Its that need to connect with a woman, that need to be worshipped as a god, validation I obtain from knowing i did a good job, I satisfied my partner in our horizontal waltz. Tonight was all about me and my “needs” , my desires, my wants. What should have been an embracement of health and well being , was an exercise is hedonism and self gratification.
My main issue is with sex, the constant need for it, using it to validate myself as a man, the escapism, and exploration of fetishes. What should be a healthy act between two consenting adults has a much darker , sinister and more damaging part in my life. What accompanies this is alcohol and substance abuse, my love of drink and drugs has brought me down a very serious rabbit hole and it is time those problems are addressed. But not tonight , tonight i partook is all if the vices i could get my hands on. Booze, cider and hard liquor, weed and cocaine. All the bittersweet coping mechanisms i have relied on before.
My night started out at a bbq with my closest friends and their partners , something I struggle with due to my recent break up and addiction to the flesh. I consumed way too much alcohol as we relived our youth, playing beer pong and other drink games, followed by joints and games of cards as we talked about my upcoming journey of self rediscovery. Then i met a woman who was friends with one of the partners there for the night, and my night took a turn for the worse. At about 1am when everyone seemed to be quietening down and make moves to go home, i did what is commonly known as an “irish goodbye” leaving my friends without a word as the two of us left for her apartment. What transpired next was two grams of cocaine , rum, cigarettes , nudity and the inability to achieve an erection, something that has never happened to me before. I dont know of it was the cocaine, the rum , or the psychological damage done by watching hours of hard-core pornography that caused it, im going to say it was the coke. Tonight I felt entitled to act the way I did, as if the ask and want for help gave me a hall pass to run a muck and go hard. But all it has done is left me high, anxious and very embarrassed at my soft cock.
Where does this entitlement come from and how dare I have it. I’ve had it every since i was abused, telling myself going through pain like that allows me, entitles me to this life I have created, one of hedonism, over indulgence, self destruction. How can i get past that, and let go of this feeling of “i deserve……i have suffered enough already”. Set me free of those past thoughts and learnt patterns as i embark on this new chapter in my life , one where i understand that no one is entitled to anything and life requires hard work and persistence