The comedown of life, and it’s ever changing nature , is truly getting to me today. I’m struggling to write this, as I sip on gin in my favourite bar. I know deep down how destructive my previous life was. Sex drugs and rock n roll catches up with you eventually , and then you’re left with this shell empty inside, reminiscing of the past and how i thought I had it all. I miss the fantasy as much as I crave my addictions. I was young and unjaded, thinking I could have it all.
But now I sit, on a stool trying to fade into the background hoping i dont get noticed , consumed with self pity , and an over zealous for rose tinted glass memories. I think to times when i was on your around the country, performing my act and the glories that came with it. I’m not saying in anyway I was a rock star or that I performed for packed out arenas. Most of my gigs were small, no more than A couple of hundred people, and sometimes not even ten. But the buzz that comes with it. Knowing I was commanding the room, all eyes were on me, showered with fleeting love and adoration. Drink and drugs in constant supply, women eager to spend their precious time with me post show. It was a taste of what the big time could have been. But it was so fake and corrupting.
Encounters were unappreciated, and quickly pushed to the recesses of my mind as I wanted more. Single encounters became not enough and unchallenging. As the saying goes, “I was chasing the dragon”. One such night, my show had ended, there were a group of girls that hung back to chat. They had been rowdy, spend the entire show heckling me , trying to throw me off my game. It didn’t work. That night I was on fire. Whatever was in the air that night, I could do no wrong. Post show i sat with the girls, 4 of them, drinking , smoking, filling them with all the lines I had in my back pocket. Four , turned to three, and then to two. It was then i made my move. Suggesting I was going to drive home from the venue, only an hour away from my hometown. The girls protested and insisted I stay in their couch. I was in now state to drive. We went back to theirs , and using every trick I had learned from pickup artists I had read about, I , looking back on it, bullied these girls into threesome. We spent the night rolling around naked, blaming all of our future regret in the alcohol and drugs we had consumed. The next morning I got up and left. Not a word spoken, barely a breathe passed from my lips as I sat into my car and drove off. Words can’t describe the guilt and shame I feel now as I look back on that night, like so many others.
Sex should be fun and enjoyable, the greatest experience two or more people can share in a safe and trusting environment. I’m haunted by so many times pursued it for my own gratification, my own pursuits. My biggest worry in life is that my want , my need , my insatiable desire for these experiences and encounters will prevent me from ever having a loving relationship, ever destined to be alone in this world