I often think, about normality. What is a “normal” level of doing something. I hate using the word normal, because what does it mean. But i find myself pondering about, where do i land on the scale compared to those around me. For examples how many times a day does one think about sex, how many times do people masturbate a week, what is a normal level of sex to have or want. Is it strange to want it as much as i do. My sex drive has been a cause of many problems for me in the past, its cause the end of relationships, to act out in compulsive ways to deal with the lack of it, turn to drugs and alcohol. I am aware i have a problem. But recently it’s become ever apparent. I’m sober and clean for nearly 100 days, life in recovery is far from dull, and as i embark on a journey of finding a romantic partner, im concerned my sex drive will always be too much for any partner. Will i leave them feeling that i only want one thing and that i don’t care about anything than the physical. Will they feel badgered and bundered by me. Am i destined for a life of struggle, and constant battling my inner urges, or will i be able to build a relationship in spite of my over active libido …
I struggled to sleep last night, I lay in bed, staring at the gap of my curtains, a street light bouncing of my wall. My mind was racing with all ahead of me. Finding a place to live, sorting my career out, fixing the problems that i have created in my life. There is an empowerment in taking ownership of one’s own problems. To know that I’m in control of my own destiny. In saying that it’s terrifying. Where do i start? Which one of the seemingly insurmountable problems do I try and tackle first. The thing is, i know what i want out of life, Its simplicity. Its something, through mainly my own fault, that has been just out of reach most of my life. When I was a younger man, I wanted to be filthy rich, a rockstar, perform on stage for thousands of people, drive a fast car, be surrounded by hundreds of beautiful women. All of which would have left me with a lot of emptiness, a hollow existence. Now It’s the simple things I long for most, a sunday cooking breakfast with the woman i love, a bed to call my own, a way to pay the bills, a car that runs, nothing fancy, waking up beside that special someone. A garden to cook bbqs in and invite my friends and family around. That’s what life’s all about. And in my eyes, not too much to ask for. The ingredients are all there. All sitting on my shelf, ready to be cooked up. But just out of my reach.
I hope reading this doesn’t bring a sense of self pity to the reader, woe is me, I can’t handle life. Because this isn’t the case, this is not a cry of self pity and victimisation, More so an admittance, I admit that i am afraid, fearful of all ahead of me. Not afraid to fail but afraid of not being able to do. To do the things I need to do to get my life in order , sort my career, get my own place and sort out all of the inbetween
To quote batman begins, “what do we do when we fall down? We get back up” I have fallen time and time again, most of the time i have gotten up, but yesterday I fell hard, it felt like i couldn’t get up, I was looking down the barrel of losing everything, and I broke. I cried and screamed for god, cursing him for not answering, but the truth is he is answering, answering in a way I can only realise this morning. He is telling me to continue on and keep pushing forward. It’s not going to be easy, and nothing in life that’s worth having is , my heart has a massive crack in it over life. But I can’t play the victim, things have happened in my life that shouldn’t have but that doesn’t mean they are going to define me, as much as i have let them in the past. I need to stand up tall and say i am strong, and unmovable in my convictions. Marching to the beat of my own drum and no one else’s. I’m tired and hungry, beaten down but i’m not out.
Life is hard, and who says it shouldn’t be. But it can be fun and full of magical moments, and that’s what I’m going to focus on, those little moments that give me a push , helping me know I’m on the right track. I want to look back on these moments and say they are the moments that changed me for the better.
This afternoon, an epiphany was born in my mind. I’m too dependent on those around me. I’ve come to realise its part of the abuse i went through as a child. I have no confidence to stand up for me or what i want and i bow to my baser instincts and the inner victim. And i need to stop it. I need to take a step back from those around me learn that i’m a big boy and to take charge of my own life. Don’t get me wrong, if i am truly in need of help, i know i can reach out to them but for now, its about being my own boss. The pain is still real, and even as i wake up this morning, my heart is heavy and weighed down with the uncertainties in my life. I try focus on the bigger picture. The end goal. Where i want to be in a few years time as opposed to things I’m missing out on right now
My heart’s still broken by it all, and there is a huge weight i must carry at the moment. In time i’m told it gets easier.. does the weight get less? Or do i get stronger at carrying? Will my baggage always be this big? I hope not. The hope of eventual romantic involvement with someone would be quite hindered, if the baggage didn’t shrink a little. I have goals and desires, mainly for simple things a home and job that excites me and someone to share my life with. After that I don’t need much more. The simple things are the things that count, it’s currently what I’m striving for.
Today was a slip in the pursuit of my dreams. Tiredness and needness got the better of me and i upset someone very important to me, pushing them away, building the wall between us higher and thicker. Im looking backwards and hoping for it to go back to the way it was. But right now that cannot be, and though my heart is broken and continuing to break further, shattering into smaller and smaller pieces. I only hope one day these walls i have created can be broken and we can reunite. Until then i must wait and be patient and learn to take a step back.
Punishment keeps coming my way, a test to see how far i can go before I fall off the wagon. With no ease , i travel forward. A bottle staring at me, unopened. For a brief moment, i felt that I was coming out the end of it, but alas this life has yet another challenge ahead. Still sober, but struggling. Waiting more so than ever to pick up that bottle, or rolled up note. Sleepless nights haunt my soul, this pain so very real. When will it stop? When will i wake up and be me. The more i strive to reach for what i want, the more my heart aches.
The lord’s name called out but in vain, for I have done nothing to deserve his help. I have wasted and squandered, these talents of mine, running from my past, in hopes that it will one day magically work out. The truth far worse than that, there is no other way but to take this hurt and move forward. I walk a thin line of pain, sobriety, life and death, forever stuck in this merry go round.
I use to look forward to Sundays so much. My favoutite day of the week, but now they fill me with a sick feeling deep in my stomach. My mind wishing and willing, for things to go back to how they were. I sit and wait, and write my thoughts, listening for the voice from above. He spoke to me once this week already, and he is a busy man. My progress feels like a long walk on the beach. So many steps taken,but looking back on my travels,the waters of my mind have washed away those footprints. Waiting to for the fog to lift, destination then visible. I know my path is the right one, but a view would be nice encouragement.
One of the hardest things for me, is knowing what I lost through my journey. I have gained, I have grown, I have overcome one of the hardest things a human can go through, Im told. But with all that , I’m still left hurting over what I’ve lost. I’ve lost my innocence, my confidence, years of my life, my strength, but nothing compares to the connections my illness has taken from me.
The most valuable thing in the world to me is connection with those around me. Friends, family, partners. And i feel they are all tarnished. Those around me, misunderstand causes of my pain and anger, blame gets thrown around and those dearest to me get hurt by me. But blame each other. I’m stuck in a cycle of prayer and hope that everything can be reconciled and that I’ll have a happy ending but some days that hope and prayer is weaker than others. I’m caught between two frequently used statements, that have me torn, “time heals all wounds” and “time waits for no man”. I’m trying to be patient and focus on the bigger picture, the end goal. But days when i’m reminded of open wounds and scarred tissue, I feel the resentment of misunderstanding block my path. If I had one wish it would be that everyone effected by me and my behaviour could sit down, listen, understand that no one else was to blame, hug, forgive, forget and move forward, together happy. Until that day, I walk the beach , looking for a lamp to rub, hoping for a genie9
I havent posted in a while im currently, working on a big project that been taking my attention away. But reading through some of my unposted material I stumbled across a passage. My heart is broken by life and what has happened around me, I only have myself to blame. But I keep the faith, that one day things will work out the way I hope for.
Im reminded of the following as I pick up the pieces and move forward….
Blame is such a powerful thing. It destroys, and leaves nothing in it wake. This monring, i reminded of all i have lost through this journey. And of those around me, blaming each other for actions I took. Unwilling to understand or compromise. Unwilling to listen as I stand and take ownership. My heart breaks as I learn to carry a new pain, one that weighs heavy, knowing I may lose that I hold dear. Two sides battle fight for the same thing, unaware of their similarities, unwilling to change. Let go, I cant. Instead I squat down, dig deep and carry this hurt with me. Knowing I get strong with each step I take.
This morning my faith is bruised and battered,but not broken. The life I want, just out of my reach. Pushing me forward as I cross this tight roped called life. One end , the life of my past, filled with pain and sorrow. The other end, the life I dream of, the life I know i deserve and can achieve. I remind myself that a lost footing doesnt mean I will fall, and a step backwards doesnt mean Im going back to the life I left. I just need to rebalance and step forward, slowly, patiently, guided by hope
Friday morning six am, I sit at my kitchen table, I’ve been awarded my life back. Well almost all of it. The parts that are missing, while just out of reach, do seem obtainable,but timing is of the essence, with everything in my life, I see clearly what I want and how to get it, except for one thing, and to some the most important thing, so me it definitely is, the love of my life. After disappearing from her for 3 months without any contact, as I dealt with my addictions and she dealt with my actions during our time, I didn’t see or contact her. The night before I arrived home, two emails were exchanged, and since then we have been talking back and front, she is still hurt and upset over how our relationship ended, and how difficult I become, towards the end. But she understands the hardships I have endured and challenges that have been in my life.
All I have wanted since the day i left her was the chance to make things right. To undo the hurt I caused her. It was a part of me that was once in control but now is dead. I hope one day we can reignite our love and begin an even better life together than before. I see it infront of me, like carefully assorted lego bricks, the finished product is far from complete and the foundation are only being laid, Im patient in this process. As I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I just hope I’m doing the right thing for her, by purusing her. As much as we love each other and still have feeling for each, the wake of hurt and pain I left in the path of my self destruction , is far reaching. Is it too much history to start over, My hopes are that our paths cross paths again some day, and until that time, I’ll just keep moving forward snd have faith that things will work out